


Moving Backwards

by Sundriedlilies



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Heartbreak, Light Angst, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-10 04:57:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15942248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sundriedlilies/pseuds/Sundriedlilies
Summary: “You can’t just come back after you left like that, can you?Can you?Can you— please?Why can’t you?Please, Lapis, can’t you just come back?”





	Moving Backwards

**Author's Note:**

> Just my take on how Peridot felt when Lapis left and how things progress afterwards. The angst is light-ish.

You can’t just come back after you left like that, can you?

 

Can you?

 

Can you— _please_?

 

Why can’t you?

 

Please, Lapis, can’t you just come back?

 

Peridot stood stock still as tears ran down her face. She stared at the large gaping hole in the ground. Two nights ago, believe it or not, this used to be her home. Not the empty field, of course, but two nights ago Lap— Lapis...

 

The small gem shuddered at the memory of her blue counterpart. She didn’t even care about the barn. That could be rebuilt, but no matter how many barns she built, or meep morps she created they wouldn’t quell the aching pain she felt. Steven couldn’t even pull her out of the state she was in, no matter how hard he tried.

 

Since Lapis left the sun had seemed a bit more dim, the stars didn’t twinkle like before, and the rain was never ending. Did Lapis have to take everything Peridot found beautiful in this world with her? She sighed heavily, and dared to make her way towards what used to be their smaller than average lake. And despite herself, she let a small smile grace her lips as she saw the new water that pooled inside of it from all of the rain.

 

“Lapis, just come back. We can pretend you never left.” She swiped aimlessly at her eyes as she turned to make her way back to Beach City.

 

X

 

“May I join you?”

 

Peridot looked away from the television to see Pearl standing in the doorway of the bathroom with her hands clasped together in front of her. Pearl smiled because all of her years on earth had taught her that humans are likely mimic to your body language. She’d tested it a few times with positive results. Usually, when she smiled at a human a human would return the sentiment. But Peridot was no human, and her lifeless eyes didn’t come close to mirroring Pearl’s expression before she turned back to watching her show.

 

“Well, you didn’t say no.” Pearl conceded before she sashayed over to the tub and stepped in, making herself comfortable. “What episode is this?”

 

And it took Peridot a moment— _several_ , moments to answer her. “The same episode that I’ve been watching.” She said sounding just as emotionless as she had been sounding for the past two months.

 

The same episode she’d been watching? Pearl knew exactly what that meant. “Peridot, why don’t you go on to the next episode? There are still three seasons after this one.”

 

She sighed heavily in response before dropping her head in her hands. Why was Pearl even here? “Because I can’t bring myself to move past this— this was the last episode we watched together.”

 

We, as in Lapis and her, and Pearl really knew how she felt. Really, she did. “Because what if she comes back, right?” And immediately Peridot snapped her watery green eyes to meet Pearl’s thoughtful gaze. “You feel like the world has stopped revolving since she left, don’t you?” And her voice is all too knowing for her to actually need an answer from Peridot. “Yea, I know how that feels.” She offers her a another smile and this time green eyes are shocked as they stare back at her.

 

Peridot felt as though if she had a heart it would hurt, and it would be the reason she felt so sad these days. “How would you know how I feel?”

 

“Because I’ve been in love before, Peridot.” Pearl said softly, and the green gem couldn’t bring herself to say anything as Pearl stood and exited the bathtub. Peridot watched as she walked away, however she stopped just at the doorway. “Rose left me too... so I know how you feel.”

 

Pearl disappeared as quickly as she came, leaving Peridot to these newfound thoughts.

 

Love...

 

Love never crossed her mind.

 

She didn’t _love_ Lapis.

 

Well— did she?

 

... Didn’t she?

 

X

 

Peridot sat under the beach umbrella while everyone else laughed and played in the sand. She tried to focus on feeling something other than pain. Or thinking of something other than Lapis, like how it wasn’t actually raining today or how Pumpkin learned a new trick but her thoughts always went back to, love...

 

Why did Pearl have to mention something so trivial? Peridot didn’t _love_ Lapis, she _missed_ her. She missed her roommate, she missed her confidant, and she missed her best friend. But she didn’t love— she wasn’t in love with Lapis. That was something only humans did.

 

“Penny for your thoughts?” It was Garnet, and her strange sayings.

 

“Why would I want a penny for my thoughts?” She asked in confusion.

 

Garnet shrugged as she made herself comfortable next to the small gem. “It’s something that humans say when they want to know what’s on someone’s mind.” Peridot nodded in understanding, and pulled her knees to her chest and hugged them as if that single action was the only thing keeping her together. “Care to share?”

 

“Not really.” She said solemnly and turned her head to look in the opposite direction of where all of her friends were. The ocean stretched out for as far as her eyes could see, and she hated it. It was just so... blue. Like Lapis.

 

“Listen to that.” Garnet said in soft astonishment, and it successfully pulled Peridot out of her own musings as she looked at the fusion with confused eyes. “Do you hear it?”

 

“Hear what?”

 

“The laughter, the birds, the the waves crashing against the shore... I am talking about all of this happiness surrounding you.”

 

“I’ve noticed it.” She huffed in response while hugging her legs even tighter. Why did everyone have to be so wise all of a sudden? Lapis would never— but Lapis wasn’t there, was she?

 

“Peridot, it’s a gorgeous today, in fact, I can say confidently that today is probably the best day of someone’s life. And-“

 

“Why are you telling me this?”

 

“-It’s probably also the worst day of someone’s life.” She kept on as if she was never interrupted at all. “The point of me saying this is because whether you see it or not, the earth is still the same place that you grew to love. It’s still the same beautiful, and happy place that once made you happy. Peridot, Lapis may have left, but look around you... she didn’t take away the things that makes this place so great for you. She didn’t take away your reasons to stay.”

 

And when Garnet left, Peridot gazed at her retreating figure.

 

Lapis hadn’t taken away her reason.

 

She hadn’t.

 

Had she?

 

No, she hadn’t.

 

Well, at least not _all_ of her reasons to stay anyways.

 

X

 

Okay, really, this was becoming quite ridiculous. Peridot was tired and sad— _still_. It had been six months already and she still felt like this. How long did these things take? She’d asked Steven and Mr. Universe but they couldn’t give her a straight answer. In fact, no one could. Garnet wouldn’t even use her future vision to tell Peridot how long she’d be sinking into this abyss.

 

She was growing restless with her pesky feelings. And she doubted Lapis was feeling an inkling of what she felt. Peridot hadn’t noticed it, but her unresolved heartache and pain had slowly morphed into a completely different emotion taking the form of mild irritation that slowly grew into anger.

 

Because how could she? How _dare_ she? Why would...

 

“I’m leaving.” Peridot announced to the Crystal Gems with finality. She held up her hand when every one of them went protest. “Don’t bother, I’m done living my life to please someone else. I want to leave, and no one can stop me.”

 

And so she left, and no one stopped her.

 

But for some reason she was still angry as she wandered aimlessly into the woods and as far away from Beach City as possible. But still, underneath all of that anger there was hurt. Lapis still hadn’t come back, and now she’d done to the Crystal Gems what Lapis had done to her.

 

And by the time she made her grand realization, it was far too late. Peridot turned in a circle as fear settled in the pit of her midsection. She hadn’t paid attention to where she was walking and the sun was setting. “Steven!” She called as she frantically tried to make her way back, proceeding in the direction in which she came.

 

But that rock wasn’t there before, and she’d never seen that tree... oh but she was in the woods. The place was covered in rocks and trees. “Garnet!” Her voice quivered as green eyes looked around, unable to recognize anything. “Pearl!” This time her voice didn’t carry as far as it had before and she felt tears streaming down her face. “Amethyst.”

 

“Lapis...” she finally choked out. “Anyone?” She looked to the sky and felt even more stricken. She could see the stars far better from out here than she could from Beach City. And Peridot couldn’t help but think how much Lapis would love this if she were here.

 

If she were here, but she’s not.

 

And Garnet’s words rang in her mind as the green gem sat perched with her back against a nearby tree and stared at the sky with big watery eyes.

 

Lapis would love this, but she’s not here.

 

She’s not here.

 

So, I will love it.

 

I will.

 

X

 

“You clods didn’t even bother looking for me!” Peridot screamed as she burst through the door.

 

“What did you want us to do Peridot? You came in here and declared that you’d be leaving and for us not to try and stop you.” Pearl chimed from her spot on the sofa.

 

“And besides, my future vision told me you’d come back.” Garnet smiled, and so did Steven and Amethyst. Pearl was too busy on her new cellphone, but Peridot sighed in relief. It was... nice to be back home after four days of being lost in the woods.

 

“Is my room still free?” She asked sheepishly.

 

“It was never occupied while you were gone.” Amethyst chimed. “Except when Steven had to use it.” The purple gem laughed the moment she saw Steven’s cheek burn red.

 

And for the first time in a really long time, Peridot smiled. It was a ghost of a smile and it was barely there, but it counted. Because every small feat always counted.

 

It counted because she mattered too.

 

Peridot’s feelings mattered too.

 

They mattered.

 

And maybe she didn’t deserve someone that would leave her and never look back.

 

Maybe, just maybe Peridot didn’t even want to be near Lapis ever again.

 

Maybe.

 

Just maybe.

 

X

 

Yellow and Blue Diamond’s arrival was unexpected. One moment they had all been enjoying Garnet’s wedding reception and the next moment Blue and Yellow had been there— ruining everything.

 

“I just needed to keep you from taking three steps to the right.”

 

Huh?

 

Everyone had been flooded by the emotional pain Blue had gifted them, that no one had even noticed a third gem had arrived on earth. And before anyone could decipher what Garnet was talking about, the barn came crashing down on top of Blue.

 

Wait— the barn? Peridot blinked her tears away as Blue’s presence let up and Lapis came floating down from the sky. Lapis?

 

Peridot didn’t move, in fact, all she could do was stare in shock as Steven ran to her and engulfed her in a hug.

 

She’d come back...

 

“I couldn’t stay away.” She looked down to Steven. “If they’re going to punish me like I’m a Crystal Gem, I might as well be one, right?” And really, it was a noble thing. Lapis coming back to help out the Crystal Gems and all, but the most selfish parts of Peridot had wished so desperately for Lapis to have said she’d come back for her.

 

But she didn’t. Of course Lapis came back for everyone else, and Peridot didn’t care anymore.

 

She didn’t.

 

She couldn’t.

 

Yellow and blue were there.

 

So she didn’t care.

 

But didn’t she?

 

X

 

When Peridot reformed, the first thing she noticed was the star on her chest. She’d finally earned her stripe even though she’d declared herself the leader of the Crystal Gems months ago. It was finally real, it finally hit her. They beat Blue and Yellow... did they beat the diamonds?

 

She began to panic as she searched frantically for the other gems, but everything was silent. “Steven, Pearl?” She called just before scurrying through the door, and what she saw almost made her faint.

 

It was Lapis... Peridot had completely forgotten about her arrival.

 

She looked different... She had a star too now.

 

“Where is everyone?” Peridot asked carefully.

 

“Home World... Did you know that Steven was Pink Diamond this entire time?”

 

Peridot shrugged feeling that familiar ache she thought she got rid of a while ago. Seeing Lapis for the first time in such a long time had brought back all those feelings she thought she buried. “No, not the whole time. Pearl was the only one who knew what really happened.”

 

Lapis clenched her eyes shut and balled her fists. “She knew this whole time and, she didn’t say anything to anyone?”

 

“She wanted to, but Pink ordered her to never speak of it again.” Peridot said calmly.

 

“She’s a traitor! How could she do this to us?” Lapis pleaded as if Peridot had any of the answers to her question.

 

The green gem regarded her and took in the pain and anger she saw swimming in Lapis’s eyes. “I wanted to ask you the same thing actually.” Peridot sounded defeated, looked it even, and Lapis immediately dropped her shoulders and averted her gaze.

 

“Peri, I’m sorry.” She breathed so softly that Peridot almost didn’t hear her.

 

Sorry... that was all Lapis had to say? Peridot had spent weeks in a bathtub, months watching the same episode on repeat, and months revisiting the site where their home used to be. She wouldn’t even factor in the sleepless nights, the amount of rivers she cried, or the time it took for her to find beauty in the world around her again. And a mere sorry was all Lapis had to offer her, because that’s what she thought Peridot deserved, right?

 

And maybe Peridot was right to think that she didn’t want Lapis around anymore.

 

“Yea.” She sighed, tiredly. “Apology accepted.” Because Peridot had spent far too long fighting, and not just tonight, her battles started well before tonight. And she was tired. She wanted her friends back— her _real_ friends.

 

The green gem turned to leave, she was going to see if anyone else had stayed behind. Surely Lapis had gotten her information from somewhere. Maybe Mr. Universe was somewhere around here.

 

“Peridot wait!” Lapis sounded panicked, and that was the only reason Peridot froze in her tracks, but she didn’t turn around. “I didn’t come back just to be a Crystal Gem.” She said tentatively. She sounded careful, each word held something Lapis had never conveyed to Peridot before. “I came back because- because I— I-“

 

“You what Lapis?” Peridot turned in an instant and marched back up to her. “You feel bad for leaving me? You feel terrible for taking the barn, which was my home too you know? Or do you feel bad because you know— you know that you hurt me?” And Peridot couldn’t keep the tears from flowing anymore. The flood gates had opened, and with it came all of the feelings she had neatly tucked away.

 

“Peridot, I never meant to hurt you.” She clasped her hands over her chest as if she had a heart, and it caused Peridot to scoff, because if Lapis had a heart she probably would’ve never left. She would’ve never—

 

“But you did Lapis!” She exclaimed. “You did hurt me.” It was a soft declaration as she looked into Lapis’s eyes. “So don’t say you never meant to, because that’s exactly what you went and did, okay?” She sounded small, which was ironic because Peridot was small, she’d always been small, but never had she ever felt like she was less than something. Until now.

 

“You just left me like you didn’t care. Like I meant nothing to you.”

 

“Peridot, the reason why I left had nothing to do with you. I was afraid! I can’t take away the pain that I’ve caused you or go back in time to reverse my actions, but I’m here now.” By this time Lapis was crying to. She was pleading for Peridot’s forgiveness, she needed her forgiveness.

 

“Don’t glorify the fact that you’re here now when you wouldn’t need to say that if you’d never left in the first place. You only care about yourself, and nobody else Lapis.” Peridot wiped away her tears and turned to leave for a second time.

 

“You’re wrong.” She sniffled, and Peridot stopped in her tracks once again. “I care about Steven, Pearl, Amethyst, Garnet, Connie, Mr. Universe, and... you Peridot. Out of everyone I’ve named you mean the most to me... you mean everything to me.”

 

Peridot winced at Lapis’s declaration as tears dripped from the corner of her eyes. How could she say that and mean it? “You don’t mean that.” Peridot fought back weakly, because it was all she had left. Months of hurting and anger and she needed to hold onto that. She needed to remember what Lapis made her feel so that she wouldn’t fall for whatever trick Lapis had planned for her to end up all alone again.

 

“Peridot, look at me.” Her words were so soft and sweet. So beckoning that they floated through the air, kissed Peridot’s most aching emotions and lured her to turn around. Unsure green eyes stared into pale blue ones. “Peridot, I love you... and I mean it.”

 

The green gem couldn’t stop herself from falling into Lapis’s embrace and kissing her. She’d never known that she wanted to so badly. Pearl had eluded to knowing of her feelings for Lapis, but Peridot herself had been ignorant to the fact. Until now.

 

She kissed Lapis and Lapis kissed her back. Nothing could have prepared her for the amazing feeling she felt. She surmised that if she did have a heart, it would’ve probably stopped beating the moment she heard those three words. This feeling it was so wonderful that it was encompassing. To love and to be loved felt a lot like warmth, it felt a lot like home... it felt a lot like—

 

“Fusion!”

 

Huh?

 

Both Lapis and Peridot turned in unison to be met with the happy faces of all of the Crystal Gems cheering them on.

 

“You’re back! That means we defeated White Diamond!” Peridot and Lapis both said, and neither of them noticed how different they sounded. They felt excitement course through their body when Pearl gave a nod in confirmation. In fact, they were so excited to see their friends and at the prospect of not having to fight anymore that they both instinctively took a step forward— and landed flat on their stomach.

 

“What happened to us?” They both look down at their hand. “What happened to me?” She said in confusion.

 

“You fused!” And of course Garnet was the leader of the group as she helped the new gem up. While everyone else gathered around, looking up at her in complete awe.

 

“What’s your name?” Steven asked as he nearly bounced out of his skin.

 

She looked down at the bluish green tint of her hands and wiggled her fingers as a smile displayed on her lips.

 

“My name is Gem Silica.”

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments are always welcome :)


End file.
